I hate Van Halen. I spent some formative years in the suburbs of San Francisco, when Van Halen ruled the radio dial along with a couple other bands. It’s not like I started hating them when Sammy Hagar took over vocal duties or even when they switched to synthesizers. No, I pretty much hated them from the very get go. Of course, since my friends liked them and the radio played their crap nonstop, I know a whole lot of their catalogue. So it’s not like I don’t know their music.
And to give proper respect, Eddie Van Halen really pioneered a guitar style, a style that was de rigueur during the eighties—neck tapping. Neck tapping is when you take your picking finger and tap down notes on the fretboard while simultaneously hitting notes with your regular playing hand. You’re basically hitting more notes without picking them, by tapping the notes out instead. It sounds very classical. Every cock rock band from that period had some prettified guitarist in torn nylons and a bouffant hairdo tapping away on his guitar. Thankfully no one taps anymore, less they immediately date themselves circa 1982.
David Lee Roth was a big reason for my loathing. He always reminded me of the non-too-bright guy who thought he was god’s gift to everybody. He could belt out a song, and their version of “Ice Cream Man” is actually pretty good. But Roth is made of cream cheese. He has a showman in him that’s partially vaudeville but mostly Vegas. His idea of wit is from Panama when he tells the woman/car object, “you reach down, between my legs…(here he pauses for effect) ease the seat back.” I’m sure there was a 12 year old who laughed his ass of at that one. I kept waiting for the funnier line. It never came.
But what really bugged me was the lack of a bassist in the band. I played bass for 15 years, and sometimes still take my bass out for a run. I grew up with John Entwistle of The Who, Chris Squire of Yes, and Geddy Lee of Rush, powerhouse players who could be fast, melodic, groovy and impressive. So hearing the single note bass line for “Running with the Devil” made me cringe with the lack of imagination. Not that you need to have the bass be intricate. It’s just every Van Halen song has a retarded bass line. I hear Michael Anthony is a nice guy. He must be cuz he’s a lousy bassist. Eddie Van Halen has said in interviews he didn’t want a bassist to compete with, but seriously it’s like Carl Lewis racing against Stephen Hawking.
Of course, in the end, it doesn’t matter much. Music, much more then other art, is subjective. I have MP3s of shameful music that I grew up with and love but couldn’t defend in a debate. I heard that music at a time before my critical mind took form, so hearing that music now brings a goofy smile to lips. So if you love Van Halen, I can understand. Hell, if you love Milli Vanilli or Britney Spears or Dave Mathews or other stuff that makes me want to scrape out my eyes with a dull spoon, I can’t say you’re wrong. You like what ‘cha like. Just don’t man the stereo at the party, cuz you will clear the place out.
And to give proper respect, Eddie Van Halen really pioneered a guitar style, a style that was de rigueur during the eighties—neck tapping. Neck tapping is when you take your picking finger and tap down notes on the fretboard while simultaneously hitting notes with your regular playing hand. You’re basically hitting more notes without picking them, by tapping the notes out instead. It sounds very classical. Every cock rock band from that period had some prettified guitarist in torn nylons and a bouffant hairdo tapping away on his guitar. Thankfully no one taps anymore, less they immediately date themselves circa 1982.
David Lee Roth was a big reason for my loathing. He always reminded me of the non-too-bright guy who thought he was god’s gift to everybody. He could belt out a song, and their version of “Ice Cream Man” is actually pretty good. But Roth is made of cream cheese. He has a showman in him that’s partially vaudeville but mostly Vegas. His idea of wit is from Panama when he tells the woman/car object, “you reach down, between my legs…(here he pauses for effect) ease the seat back.” I’m sure there was a 12 year old who laughed his ass of at that one. I kept waiting for the funnier line. It never came.
But what really bugged me was the lack of a bassist in the band. I played bass for 15 years, and sometimes still take my bass out for a run. I grew up with John Entwistle of The Who, Chris Squire of Yes, and Geddy Lee of Rush, powerhouse players who could be fast, melodic, groovy and impressive. So hearing the single note bass line for “Running with the Devil” made me cringe with the lack of imagination. Not that you need to have the bass be intricate. It’s just every Van Halen song has a retarded bass line. I hear Michael Anthony is a nice guy. He must be cuz he’s a lousy bassist. Eddie Van Halen has said in interviews he didn’t want a bassist to compete with, but seriously it’s like Carl Lewis racing against Stephen Hawking.
Of course, in the end, it doesn’t matter much. Music, much more then other art, is subjective. I have MP3s of shameful music that I grew up with and love but couldn’t defend in a debate. I heard that music at a time before my critical mind took form, so hearing that music now brings a goofy smile to lips. So if you love Van Halen, I can understand. Hell, if you love Milli Vanilli or Britney Spears or Dave Mathews or other stuff that makes me want to scrape out my eyes with a dull spoon, I can’t say you’re wrong. You like what ‘cha like. Just don’t man the stereo at the party, cuz you will clear the place out.
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