Friday, July 13, 2007

And Cialis is a Personal Erectoral Assistant


I hear a ringing in my left ear all the time. We all do, but my ringing is pretty loud. My affliction is called tinnitus. Sometimes it’s so loud, I get vertigo attacks. Luckily, it rarely happens these days. Only in times of extreme stress do I get dizzy. But I don’t hear very well. In a crowded place, I have a hard time hearing conversation. Thank God, I hang out with loud people.

Going to so many rock and roll shows didn’t help, even though I was wearing ear plugs since high school. I was in rock bands for a long time. Usually the guitarists had what I called guitar wars, whose weapons were the volume knobs of the amplifiers. Needless to say, my poor ears didn’t have a chance.

Plus, it’s in my genes. My grandmother is stone deaf. She has a hearing aid, but it mostly gives off a ghastly whine due to feedback issues. My mother is hard of hearing, too, although she’ll deny it. But watching television with her is aural attack on the senses.

According to a statistic from this article, “just 149.6 of every 1,000 adults who have diminished hearing, whether from aging, disease or injury, use a hearing aid.” That’s a great many “what?” going on. And who is this .6 person? The lack of hearing aids points to vanity and denial. If I don’t have a hearing aid people won’t know I’m aging. New hearing aids adjust to this vanity by making themselves look like Bluetooths or iPods with stylish colors like Shy Violet, Pure Passion and Crème Brûlée. And they’re not called hearing aids but Personal Communication Assistants.

I think another reason people don’t use hearing aids is the comfort of being deaf. Whenever a noise is keeping me awake at night, I just turn over and let my deaf ear block out all the sounds. People cut themselves off from the world all the time. Look at all the iPod users. People love music, but they love cutting off the world more. Why do you think iPod users have that glazed look of a catatonic? It’s the bliss of being separate.

The article also blames noisy restaurants as a source of frustration for the deafened. In the nineties, there was a popular deconstructed look in restaurants. Everything was exposed: vents, steel girders, bricks. Old factories were made into restaurants and artist’s lofts that real artists could never afford, so that fueled the look. Since nothing soaked in the sound, noise bopped all over the place, making them extremely noisy. Thankfully, that look has passed out of fashion, but it’s almost impossible for me to carry on a conversation in a noisy restaurant and bar.

Of course being deaf has its amusing moments. You can never be jilted or fired from a job.

“You’re fired.”

“Wired? Well that last cup of coffee was a bit strong.”

“No, you’re fired.”

“Tired? No, the coffee is keeping me awake.”

“You’re…oh forget it.”

“Heh, heh, heh.”

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