I’ve been reading Mormon websites, researching Mitt Romney’s religion. It’s a rich vein and deserves more time. But in the meantime I found this little tidbit given out to Mormon youth during the seventies to keep them away from masturbating. If anything this proves that you should never let your spiritual guidance be in the hands of the repressed.
The entire list can be found here.
I’ve culled the more laughable parts:
A Guide to Self-Control:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
Sounds like someone had a bad experience doing a circle jerk.
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
The entire list can be found here.
I’ve culled the more laughable parts:
A Guide to Self-Control:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
Sounds like someone had a bad experience doing a circle jerk.
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
Sounds like a horror movie. Get out of the bathroom! The call is coming from inside the bathroom! The steam will make you horny and then will kill you!!!! Doesn’t the toothbrush look like a dick? Doesn’t the folds of a towel look like a pussy? Get out! Get ooouuutttt!!!!
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.
I have a friend who works at a store called "Chaps" that might have some secure clothes you can wear. You can also pick up a cock ring.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE.
Enough with the shouting. I’m repressed not deaf. Say did you hear about the rising obesity rates in Utah? I wonder why that is.
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act."
Does looking at pictures involve reading? It does? Are you sure?
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind!
Again with the shouting. Have you heard of the theory about the white elephant, in which you are told not to think of a white elephant and then it’s all you can think about?
Suggestions:
3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.
I have a friend who works at a store called "Chaps" that might have some secure clothes you can wear. You can also pick up a cock ring.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE.
Enough with the shouting. I’m repressed not deaf. Say did you hear about the rising obesity rates in Utah? I wonder why that is.
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act."
Does looking at pictures involve reading? It does? Are you sure?
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind!
Again with the shouting. Have you heard of the theory about the white elephant, in which you are told not to think of a white elephant and then it’s all you can think about?
Suggestions:
3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
It’s been a long day. You finally hit the sheets after saying goodnight to the kids. Then you’re jolted awake by a shout from your son’s bedroom. First he screamed “Stop!” and then started singing hymns. Do you:
A) Call the mental ward and book him a room
B) Throw a Penthouse and a towel in his room and tell him to shut the fuck up.
C) Remind yourself to send the Elder a basket of muffins for his guidance in making your son a repressed wreck.
11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.
That’s not aversion therapy, that’s the start of a fetish. “Honey, I’m feeling randy tonight. I’ll be in the garden digging up worms.”
12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers.
Discourage being alone or encouraging voyeurism? The Mormons are so kinky.
17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.
Walk around with a bag over your head.
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.
Sure it might look like a pocket pussy or a dildo, but I call it my Book of Mormon.
19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
I’ve tied a few hands to bed frames in my day.
21. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Satan Never Gives Up. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment.
Now I know why Mormons play so much basketball. I have to remember to bring really dark sunglasses when I go to Utah; all that spiritual glow is hard on the eyes. Have a good weekend and lock the bathroom door, kids.
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